The Baby Sitter......
In the post "I will quit tomorrow" I told how I kept ignoring my work. There was a time in my life for two years where I was a workaholic. I pulled all nighters as easily as I ate a candy. I survived on coke(the drink not the drug), coffee, tea, green tea and all the other forms of caffeine available to me. I sat down for long stretches. I used to work for 10 hours continuously and not feel a bit tired. I had no concept of sleep. I used to sleep in classes. I used to skip breakfast so that I could get to sleep for an extra 30 minutes. Nothing distracted me. I was in shape physically and mentally. Now I am just an idiot who sleeps a lot, postpones work and ignores calls and texts.
Small reasons such as power cuts distracted me. There were times where I mustered up and began my work and it was only for less time because I had other important works like choosing songs or deciding what character I am from Brooklyn 99 (I was a combination of Hitchcock and Scully).
There were many reasons I became this way. First reason was home. In the 22 years of my life I was away from home for 13 years. 13 fucking years. It took a while for me to adjust to life at home. I could rarely be myself and that too when no one was around. I felt I had freedom but at the same time I felt I was restricted too. I don't know if one can feel that way. I was mostly in a dilemma. I was patiently waiting to get back to campus but that day never came. I am now almost graduated.
2020 July - Oct was also very good for me. I worked well at that time. I spent at least 6 hours a day studying or working or whatever it is. I don't know when the transition happened. I don't know when I turned into this lazy idiot who lost control of his life all of a sudden. I am being too harsh on myself.
The pandemic stress is real. The fact that all of a sudden everyone lost control of their lives is also a reason why people around me are also facing the same issues. I always thought of setting things right in my life. Start working slowly, take up other activities and plan for the next few months. All of these died in the thinking phase itself. For some reason I lost motivation. For some reason I lost self confidence. For the first time in ages I felt like a lost cause. I live with my mom, she spends most of the day working in her office. It's just me at home for 10 hours a day. For one year I spent 10 hours a day alone with my thoughts. As they say, a lonely mind is a devil's workshop and the devil messed with my head for a long long time. Let's hold this one against the devil.
I finally felt that I have to start taking control of my life. One day I just realized if I keep doing this I am never going to achieve my dreams. Fuck that I am never going to achieve anything. I would end up being another person who ended up as a failure even when he had a lot of potential to succeed. I can't let it happen.
I gradually realized that why should I do it alone when I can take help. Right now I need all the help I can get. So I explained my situation to a trusted friend. I asked her if she could help me. She told me that she would help but she had no idea how to. At first I needed someone to fucking slap me whenever I got distracted. But since no one was around I asked her to baby sit me through google meet. I shared my screen and whenever she caught me not working I had to pay her 100 Rs.
The first session went for 3 hours and I only got distracted once. I was so proud of myself. The second session was on the same day and this time even though I couldn't work much I still did some significant work. I worked for 6 hours that day and that gave me immense satisfaction. The next day I slept the whole morning as I was up until 3 the previous night. In the afternoon I again wasted time but I decided I will finish my work that day at any cost. That night I again asked her to baby sit me. This time she was only able to help me for less than two hours. The rest of the night I worked by myself with very few distractions. I finished my thesis finally.
The whole babysitting thing forced me to do one of the hardest things, which is to ask for help. I don't remember the last time I asked someone for help. It does seem like a very small problem but a problem of very small magnitude not addressed soon enough will turn into a massive pain in the ass. For a guy who didn't drop a bead a sweat while working 1o hours a day needed baby sitting to work for a bare minimum of 3 hours. This could possibly be the lowest point of my life. I have decided to come out of this and I will do anything to get out of this. I still don't know why my friend agreed to do this.
The feeling that someone was willing to help me when I needed it was amazing. I felt that she believed in me when I was finding it hard to believe in myself. I wish I had tried this earlier. I knew I needed help yet I decided I would figure everything alone. Finally I was desperate enough I ended up asking for it. It didn't feel bad at all. My work is done. I feel slightly better now. I think I will come out of this hopefully.
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